Okay look, climate events impacting millions aren’t some far-off documentary thing anymore. They’re why I’m sitting here at like 11:47 p.m. with every window open even though it’s February, because the house is holding heat like it’s still July and the fan is just pushing warm soup around.
I’m in the Midwest—same spot I’ve been my whole adult life—and the weather has officially lost the plot. We had that brutal week in late January where it shot up to 68° one day, then dropped to single digits with ice the next. My car wouldn’t start, the pipes groaned like they were mad at me, and then boom—two days later we get a thunderstorm that dumped enough rain to make the storm drains burp. Climate events impacting millions have turned seasonal whiplash into my new personality trait.
The Part Where Climate Events Impacting Millions Make Me Look Dumb
Last summer I decided I was gonna “beat the heat” without running the AC nonstop. Hero mode, right? Lasted three days. Day four I’m lying on the living-room floor in boxers with a frozen bag of corn staring at the ceiling wondering why I thought ceiling fans were enough. Ended up calling my mom at 9 p.m. to complain like I was twelve again. She just laughed and said “welcome to climate change, kiddo.”
Then the floods. Again. Street in front of my place turned into a kiddie pool for grown-ups. I waded out in Crocs to move the trash cans—big man energy—slipped, ate shit in six inches of water, phone went flying. Screen cracked. Still works, but every time it rains now the home button sticks like it’s judging me. Climate events impacting millions don’t just ruin your day; they ruin your dignity too.
Little Things That Are Driving Me Insane Lately
- Grocery store shelves looking weird because trucks can’t get through flooded highways. No avocados for three weeks straight. I survived. Barely.
- Neighbors all texting the same radar screenshot at once like we’re in a group chat apocalypse simulation.
- My dog now refuses to walk if there’s even a 30% chance of rain. Just plants his butt on the rug and stares.
- I’ve got three different weather apps because I don’t trust any single one anymore. They all lie in different ways.
I keep thinking “okay this is the weird year, next one will chill out.” Then the National Weather Service drops another “historic” label and I just sigh.
What I’m Actually Doing (Mostly Badly)
Bought a cheap generator off Craigslist last fall. Thing is loud and drinks gas like it’s free beer, but at least the fridge stays cold during outages.
Started keeping a five-gallon bucket in the basement for when the sump pump decides to take a vacation.
Those little neck fans they sell at truck stops? Bought two. Clip one to my shirt when I’m working from home and the office hits 84°. Looks dumb. Feels great.
Still suck at closing the garage door before storms. Water gets in every time. I’m basically training the concrete to be waterproof at this point.
